POSSIBLE REASONS FOR RELATIONSHIP FAILURE.

In this age, no one gets into a relationship with someone to see it fall, fail and end badly. Though, there is a general consensus that some do but most don’t. Nevertheless, everyone has hopes, dreams, faith, and ambitions that the same happiness at the beginning will still be there till eternity. Unfortunately, not all relationships work out that way. The little that follow that path takes the grace of God coupled with perseverance and understanding.

Failed relationship has rendered a lot of soul useless, wandering and walking aimlessly. Some even committed suicide because of the pains, hurts they have suffered. What one started with joy has left sore in ones heart. Many time a person who has to go through a relationship break-up is caught unaware by his or her partner decision to leave without notice or with a simple but killing statement: “I’m fed up, I’m no longer interested, I think we are not compatible etc.” if you have ever found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are that the problem can be traced back to one or few cases which are explained as follows:  

1.   LACK OF TRUST

Understanding and trust is the basic foundation of every relationship. Trust is very important in a relationship. If your partner does not trust you, things will not work.  Sooner or later the relationship will fail. Both the partners should trust each other completely and live peacefully. Lack of trust can harm a relationship. Not trusting him/her when you should do can be disastrous.

You see it all the time; women checking their men’s cell phone for texts, email for messages and pants pockets for unknown numbers and vice versa. Why? Because he/she wants to make sure he’s not cheating.

Why would you not trust him/her when he’s or she's given you no reason to think otherwise? If you don’t trust him or her, why stay in the relationship? Why make both of you life miserable? Learn how to trust him/her or move on because if you stay where you’re at and keep doing what you’re doing, your relationship will likely soon end anyway. No relationship will work if trust with each other is lost. We all know that trust is hard to regain again. It is not easily given to you. It is not like Mr Biggs ice cream you can get upon request. You must really persevere to get back the trust of other people. So beware.

Lack of trust in relationship occurs due to the following:

Little lies that pile up. Lies are like a cancer in the heart and soul. They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind.  If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will forget your own truth. Little lies that add up resulted into dishonesty and deception.

There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love and virtue.  Even the smallest, seemingly innocent dishonesty and deception eventually snowball into larger issues.  Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always.
It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front.  Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

 Loads of unfulfilled promises also accounted for lack of trust. How often do you redeem your pledges or promises? Is your word your bond? Learn how to fulfill your promises. If you can't keep to it, don't make it. If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then, don't give out your words.

 Rumour - In your own relationship, you believe what you hear from others than the person, you are dating, why? Because if they don't see, they won't say. If I may ask, have you done your findings? No, then, you shouldn't conclude. Listening to rumour can depreciate the trust you bestows in your partner,

 Cheating - People hail you that you know to play your game well. Good of you. You are cheating on him/her secretly. Have you forgotten the African proverb, "one day for the thief and one day for the owner." Once you are caught in this act, the trust in you deteriorates.


Remember, love and friendship doesn’t hurt.  Lying, deceiving, cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Honesty is the healing remedy. Be trustworthy.


2. SELFISHNESS

Relationship requires a two-way communication between two persons. There is no room for selfishness and self-centeredness. You cannot be concerned on yourself only. You need to consider also the benefits of your partner.

If one person in a relationship is self-centered/selfish, the relationship will not grow. Misunderstanding will always prevail.

3. IMBALANCE OF POWER.

A common reason couples break up is when one partner has more decision-making power than the other. When one person usually makes the decisions about activities, friends, financial matters, household matters, holidays, and so on, the relationship can become unstable. If a sense of equality doesn’t exist, a failed relationship could be the end result.

4. EXCESSIVE POSSESSIVENESS

You are attracted and possessive towards your partner, very nice, but too much of possessiveness can again cause damage to your relationship leading to your partner feeling bound and commanded. It is important to realize that we all are social beings who need time for ourselves and time with our friends. You should provide ample space to your partner so that he /she feel he has not lost independence after getting into the relationship.
Being too demanding and possessive will only result to fight or even worst…separation from a relationship.  Most of the young couples tend to hold their partner too tightly, that resulted to suffocation in the relationship.

Possessiveness can be as a result of Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of self-confidence which also destroy happy relationship.
Did you know that an over possessive and too demanding person is really irritating. It only shows how insecure one person is to another person. Why not try to be confident enough?  Give your relationship enough space for breathing. At the end of the day, if someone really loves you they really love you.

By allowing a bit of independence in a relationship, we help in maintaining a healthy balance in the relation and appreciate the time that we get to spend with our partner.

5. NEGATIVITY

I have said it countless number of time that negativity breeds negativity. If you lack the belief factor in your heart that your relationship is meant to stay or last forever, it will surely collapse one day. Law of believe, which is another form of law of cause and effect states that, your belief becomes your reality. In the bible, it says according to your belief it is done unto to you. Another portion buttress it furthers that as a man thinketh in his heart, so he is. If you believe confidently and strongly enough in your relationship, no doubt you will experience the best. Through negativity, you mind is filled up with bad thought that can lead you astray. Be positive about your relationship. Stop thinking about the bad and the ugly.


6. NOT A PERFECT MATCH OR NOT MEANT TO BE.

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to. It is no one's fault; some relationships simply aren't a good match (like oil and white cloth, or my mother and injection). No one is to be blamed for this. We all believe in pre-destination.

Some people pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped, to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed away.

Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

It’s these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake.
Do you want to live with these people in your life forever?  No way – that would be way too painful!  They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.
Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

7. PICKING FAULTS

When a person tends to be faultfinder, other person will feel that they are losers. Your lover will lose their confidence because you are always judging him/her harshly.
Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgment that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.
A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.
No one is essentially perfect in this world.  All people have flaws and short comings.  You should learn to accept the flaws of your partner otherwise the relationship will fail.
Stop finding faults and accept him or her completely. The question then is, have you ever done this? Have you got into a relationship thinking you could change him and everything would be perfect? And, how has that worked for you? No one changes unless they want to. It doesn’t matter how badly you want it, if he doesn’t then it’s not going to happen. Just accept the flaws
If you can’t accept your man or woman faults and all, then your relationship isn’t going to work. You’re never going to find the perfect man or woman because he/she doesn’t exist. You just have to find someone who’s perfect for you.

8. LACK OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE

A lot of people don’t understand what true or real love is all about. They only understand love to means emotional feeling or a state of finding the perfect man or woman or the missing piece. Real love is never about ‘falling’ into anything, has nothing to do with ‘finding a soul mate or soul2soul,” and actually has less to do with ‘getting anything in particular you deem either necessary or deserving of. What most of us call ‘love’ is not love; it is a self-absorbed conditional quid pro quo where you invest something only if a return of some sort is realized on a self-determined time line according to Dr. Jay Kent. He furthered that love is actually a relational bartering system justified by our self-obsession with presumed entitlement to get needs met we ‘have a right to’, as if a relationship were some egalitarian utopia rather than the mysterious and demanding encounter, it is where you really can only expect in proportion to what you contribute, an idea foreign to most who claim to love.
 Real love is not about finding the ‘right person’, it is about becoming the ‘right person’ capable of love. Soul mates are never found, they are created, by designing the conditions inside your relationship for soul mates to happen – by showing up, being fully engaged and present emotionally available, vulnerable and being known and taking risks and contributing to what is important to your partner, not just standing for what you think you are entitled to. Real love is sacrificial in nature. Both contribute their quota.
 
9. NOT SPENDING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

If you want to avoid the probability of a break up in your relation, try to dedicate a reasonable time to it. Usually in our life we get so busy in our education or work life (as in my case) that we tend to find a little time to spend with our loved ones. This creeps up a sense of negligence within the partner and in absence of conversation the personal issues that need focus and discussion remain unattended and take a serious form later on. Don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss or academics. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing.
Sometimes, our family and jobs have to take priority. That’s understandable. But, if you keep putting quality time together on the backburner, eventually, the flame will go out and you’ll be left with a cold, lifeless relationship.
Set aside one day a week or every two weeks where you can have quality, uninterrupted time alone together. Go to dinner. Go for a walk. Go dancing. Do anything. Just do it together.


10. LACK OF EXPRESSION/POOR COMMUNICATION

 A major reason for the end of a relationship is not maintaining it with the passion it was started with. During the initial stages of the relationships there are long talks, phone calls, sudden visits, romantic dates, love letters etc which makes a person truly loved and assured that the other person really loves him/her. With time though, the initial attraction fades off, and we do not express our love as conspicuously as before though we still have the affection for our partner in our hearts.
You must do the small things that really do not take much effort but do mean a lot about your feelings. The things that remind your loved ones that they are very much desired and are well taken care of by you.
Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

In failed relationships, the majority of the communication that exists falls into two categories: superficial or lacking. Superficial communication is mostly noise; conversations that are unrelated to your relationship or your partner. Even worse is when communication is lacking. In these situations, you can feel the distance growing between you and your partner, the relationship slipping away slowly but steadily. The more the communication deteriorates, the harder it becomes to talk about meaningful issues.

Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship.  If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow.  If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your lover, you must communicate them clearly. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out.
Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running. Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you. And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too. Share what you love about your lover. Share what is going on in your mind and heart.  Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.

Sometimes we expect our guys to be mind readers. This is common among the ladies. Like they should know how we feel or when something upsets us. But the truth is, they can’t read our minds any more than we can read theirs.
Even if he knows you’re upset, he isn’t necessarily going to do the girl-thing and push and prod you until you finally say what’s wrong. No, he’s likely to do the guy thing. He’s going to pretend nothing is wrong until you say it is.
If there’s something on your mind, say it. Put it out there. You can’t resolve an issue with him if he doesn’t know it exists.

11. LACK OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

If one or both partners aren’t in tune with their interests, needs, desires, future plans, feelings, goals, values, sexual attitudes, and preferences – then it’s difficult for them to engage in a healthy relationship. Self-knowledge helps partners communicate who they are and what they want – which can prevent the break-up of a romantic relationship. Lack of self knowledge can also be seen as lack of empathy. Empathy has to do with understanding how your partner feels at a given moment. It is also a basic necessity for relationship survival. Always try to understand your partner feelings and experiences. Have knowledge of him or her.

12. BEING MATERIALISTIC

A materialistic person becomes happy when he/she achieves or has cash/check, jewelries, clothes, bags, shoes, ETC.
Love and caring will not be enough to satisfy their longings for material items. This is one of the reasons why some relationship failed.

It is like saying that your money is not enough for him/her to stay with you forever. A relationship build on money or material possession can’t survive the test of time. Quote me anywhere, it is not a curse. Not trying to tell you, money or material possession should be out of it but each partner financial capability must be understood.

13. CONSTANT JEALOUSY

"Jealousy is cited as one of the most frequent causes of the break-up of romantic relationship," writer Roger Hock in Human Sexuality. A little jealousy in a relationship is good. It only means that you really love a person. But too much jealousy in a relationship is disastrous. It only makes you feel insecure, coward and lower your self-esteem. Jealousy is a common hub with the women. Little wonder, my mother does say if a woman is not jealous, her food won't taste good. I don't know how true this statement is because it is 'ladies thing.' But trust me. I will find out from her.

Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship always faced this kind of problem. It is not healthy. It only makes your affair weaker. So try not to be jealous excessively. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

14. GETTING TOO SERIOUS TOO QUICKLY

This one is tough because when you fall for a guy or a lady, normally you fall pretty hard. An instance of this is, you want to spend all your time together. Pretty soon, you’re thinking about being together.
While it’s great to have dreams, if you get too serious too quickly, you don’t give enough time to get to know each other. Sure, when you’re in your honeymoon phase you think your relationship can survive anything. But, if you haven’t taken the time to find out if you have the same hopes, dreams and visions of the future, reality is going to give you a pretty hard slap in the face.
The best thing you can do is take it slow. Take the time to explore what you both want out of life and see if you’re headed in the same direction. While your dreams don’t have to be exact, they at least have to be in the same ball park.

15. PAST ISSUES CONSIDERATION.

How many times have you had a fight and brought up things he did in year 2000 or otherwise? Does it get you anywhere? No? But you still keep doing it?
Here’s the problem with bringing up past issues: they’re in the past. That means that nothing can be done to change them. They’re over and done with. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to deal with things that are currently happening. Focus on today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow, but today. If there’s something that hasn’t resolved itself, it will rear its ugly head again and give you ample opportunity to deal with it. So, for now, let it go.

16. SEX

Sex can make a relationship wax stronger or otherwise, it all depends on rate and individual perspective. To some, too much of sex secure a romantic relationship while reverse is the case to other people. Considering sex as a backbone of a relationship can lead to break-up, so also leaving it out. As a speaker and researcher, I have heard, seen and read a lot about the good and bad side of sex to a relationship. A lady once told me after a seminar one day that, her man left her for another lady simply because she couldn’t satisfied his sexual need. In marriage, you must satisfy your partner sexual needs. It is all about when your partner wants it in marriage. I can’t guarantee sex as basis for genuine love in courtship due to the fact some ladies/guys are like desert. You see, in desert no amount of rain can satisfy the land. No amount of sex can make them contented.

To the ladies, assumption that giving your body to him will make him stay holds false in courtship. If it works for some, then, it is grace. How not to turn yourself into his riding horse at courtship level depends on your thinking. My simple principles are: (1) look before you leap, (2) follow your heart, and (3) make sure the coast is clear or the light turns green. But I can’t understand all what you called simple principles. Well, I don’t mean to confuse you, just want you to do some thinking about my principles.

I have heard a story in which a lady satisfied her lover sexual needs and at the end the guy eventually hooked another lady. This is not some sort of Nollywood story, it is reality. I am not here to advice you to close your legs or to keep them wide open but giving you thoughtful insight into the world of sex. I can’t dictate how you live your life. Just ponder on what you consider sensible and good for you.

17. YOU

It is now your turn. What do you think can make a relationship sour? You can leave a message. Thank you.


All the above listed factors might allow your lover or partner look for another partner or break-up with you, that is if the deed hasn’t been done. If you have experienced break-up or relationship failure, I’m pretty sure you have learnt your lesson and if you haven’t, you can fix where is leaking in your relationship. I wish you all the best in your relationship life. In other news like a musician, a relationship must help you improve as a person. It must show the world the best in you.

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Best regards, MA.