When I wrote the article “desperate woman, why the rush?” a lady accused me of being partial. This led me into writing the second part I titled, “desperate man, why the rush?” I thought with that no more issue. But shockingly, I was once more questioned.
Few days ago, I was in Cotonou, Benin Republic to carry out an important task. As I checked into an hotel, “la fraternite” hotel precisely, I met a lady who has been following my blog. She was so excited. She thanked me and that she’s proud of me and my work. Finally, she asked me a powerful question. She asked, “ Matthew, you wrote that we shouldn’t rush into marriage which I quite agree with you to a reasonable extent but the issue is, do I have to wait till I have money or will my man has to wait till he’s financially capable before we settle down? I’m asking you this because there are some people that won’t become financially okay until after they get married.” Without beating about the bush, I replied, “my dear, I can see that you believe in pre-destination. I wasn’t saying you should have all the money in the universe before you settle down but at all at all is bad.” I furthered that, you see, the reason why I said you shouldn’t rush is for the fact that there are knowledge, wisdom and understanding you need to gain before going into marriage and more so there are some questions you need to ask each other before saying “I do.”
“I do” is not a transformer and that’s why you need to probe deeply before appearing in front of important dignitaries on that special day. I have witnessed marriage that doesn’t last a year, listened to words from powerful marriage counselors and based on that I’m fully aware that marriage shouldn’t be because my mates are going into it. Of course you’re in love ready to vow “through sickness and health……..until death do us apart”…. However, take a deep breath, and consider the following questions:
Do you have any bad habits (e.g. Gambling, Smoking, Nagging, Excessive shopping, Drinking, Sex, etc.)? A must ask question. You want to know if your partner has any bad habits that will affect your relationship. Most people have at least one bad habit. A single bad habit, if not attended to, can set an entire relationship ablaze. If you don’t ask, your partner may not tell.
Why do you consider me the better spouse or partner for you? This is a must question to be asked. You need to know the reason why you are the choice among alternatives. The answer here might be somehow cunning but you'll definitely find an iota of truth no matter what.
What do you do when you're angry? What do you want me to do? You need to probe deeply into this question. What do you want your partner to do when you're not happy? Do you want a breathing space in a situation like this? Is there anything that get you back together when you're angry?
What are your financial goals, aspirations, expectations and how will you achieve them? A majority of divorces occur due to stress on the relationship related to finances. Having financial goals are beneficial to the success of a marriage relationship, so be sure to ask this question. You don’t want wait until you’ve been married for five years to discover that your partner has no financial goals or aspirations.
What influence, if any, will your family have on our marriage? It’s probably a good idea to find out if your mother-in-law is going to be making all of the important decisions in your marriage, or if her opinion will strongly influence your life.
What will constitute our fun weekly (e.g. go to the movies, beach or go dancing)? Will there be vacation annually (or more or less frequently)? It will be mutually beneficial to come to some common grounds on your activities and vacations in advance.
How many children are we going to give birth to and how will they be disciplined? Certainly an important question is how many children you will have, and how will they be disciplined. Undisciplined children can put quite a strain on your marriage; please ensure you discuss this with your partner.
How do you define forever, forgiveness and fidelity? Very important question, maybe the most important. You want to know if your partner is planning on being with you (and only you) forever. You also want to know if they will be quick to forgive when you have disagreements.
How often will we go on dates once we get married? This one is especially for the ladies, you don’t want to marry your spouse only to discover that the last date you’ll ever go on, happened a week before your wedding (and you’re only 22). Dating should really begin to flourish once you get married, not before.
Will they kiss divorce goodbye? Every marriage eventually proves to be difficult at times. Human nature is such that if there’s an easy “off ramp,” we tend to want to take it. Marry someone who is committed to working through every challenge you face without considering divorce as an option.
How important is religion and spirituality in our marriage? You want to discuss the spiritual needs of the relationship. There’s no easy answer here. A common faith holds a family together, not just on a weekly basis, but on major holidays throughout the year – which means that every such occasion will remind you of your disconnect as a couple if you share a significantly expression of faith that makes you want to be in two different houses of worship at any one time.
How much time do you plan spending with your
friends after we get married; what is your relationship with friends of the opposite sex? These are good questions, the best answer maybe found by looking to see what your partner is currently doing. When you get married they won’t be a brand new person, you will both be the exact same people, with the exact same relationships and thoughts. Be sure to openly discuss the time you will spending with both your male and female friends, and the importance or relative unimportance of those relationships.
How often do they envision for having sex? You want to find out now if you’re going to be having sex everyday or once a month. What are the expectations of their wife in this area? What are their views on pornography? This requires a thorough planning.
Your partner may not be able to answer all of these questions with perfect accuracy today, but if the questions are answered honestly, they will provide you with insight and guidance for your relationship. So ask your significant questions today, you will be glad you did tomorrow.
To your marriage success, MA.
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