WHY MEN ARE NOT RECIPROCATING THEIR LOVE TO WOMEN.

Strictly from my mail.

Question: I'm fed up with my relationship. I love my man so much but he's not reciprocating the love. Why is he doing that?

This is a sensible question that many women out there are willing to have answer to. I'm gonna answer from general perspective and that of the comedian and writer, Steve Harvey's point of view.

If there's anything I have discovered during my journey here on God's earth, it's this: (1) too many women are clueless about men, (2) men get away with a whole lot of stuff in relationships because women have never understood how men think, and (3) I've got some valuable information to change all of that.

Women have made clear that they want an even exchange with men: they want their love to be reciprocated in the same way they give it; they want their romantic lives to be as rewarding as they make them for their potential mates; they want the emotions that they turn on full blast to be met with the same intensity; and they expect the premium that they put on commitment to be equally adhered to, valued, and respected. The problem for all too many women is that they just can't get that reciprocation from men, and women then end up feeling disappointed, disenfranchised, and disillusioned by their failed relationships.

Expecting a man to respond to them the way a woman would is never going to work or happen. Why? The reason for this is that what drives men is quite different from what drives women. Here you go again, what drives men? Well, let me explain for clarity purpose.

Men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make. These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood - the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he's truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he's achieved his goal in those three area, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.

Think about it: from the moment a boy is born, the first thing everyone around him starts doing is telling him what he must do to be a real man. He is taught to be tough - to wrestle, get up without crying, not let anyone push him around. He is taught to be hardworking - to do chores around the house, cut the grass, and, as soon as he's old enough, get a job. He is taught to protect - to watch out for his mother and siblings, to watch over the house and the family's property. And he is especially encouraged to uphold his family name - make something of himself so that when he walks in a room, everybody is clear about who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. Each of these things is taught in preparation for one thing: manhood.

The pursuit of manhood doesn't change once a boy is grown. In fact, its only magnified. His focus has always been on, and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how much he makes until he feels he's achieved his mission. And until he does these things, women only fit into the cracks of his life. He's not thinking about settling down, having children, building a home with anyone until he's got all three of those things in syn. I'm not saying that he has had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to making it.

We want the bragging rights - the right to say, "I'm number one." Women don't seem to care about this much. But for us men? Its everything. You need to know this because you have to understand a man's motivation - why he's not home, why he's not calling as you want or why there is break/distance in relationship, why he spends so much time working. Because in his world, he's been judged by other men, based on who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. That affects his mood.

So if this is on his mind, and he hasn't lined up the who he is, the what he does, and the how much he makes in the way that he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be. Which means you can't really have the man you want. He can't sit around talking with you, or dream about marriage and family, if his mind is on how to make money, how to get a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be for you. It is our duty to profess, provide and protect and these become possible after achieving our target.

These facts don't always sit well with most women. It's impossible for us to focus on the two - we're just not gifted, sorry. The two include you and the prize we want to get in life. We can only have our attention to one at a time.

Mind you, a man doesn't have to be stinkly rich right now; as long as he sees his dreams being realized - the title is clear to him, his position is leading him in the direction of the place where he wants to be, and he knows the money will come - then he can rest a little easier, recognizing that he's on the verge of becoming the man he wants to be. The way you can help him get there is to help him focus on his dream, see the vision and implement the plan. Because when he reaches the level of success he's hoping to reach, he'll be a better, happier man for it - and you'll be happy too.  

In sum, not reciprocating your love comes as a result of the point raised above. Though, other reasons like having another woman or lady somewhere, fed up with the relationship etc might also be part of the game and that's if he's been reciprocating from the onset but later changed. But if he's not from the beginning, the aforementioned points are responsible. Always bear in mind that a man's love isn't like a woman's love. Don't get it confused, now - I'm not saying that we're not capable of loving. I'm just saying that a man's love is different - much more simple, direct and probably a little harder to come by. Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman's love - it's kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. I must confess you can't get it in that proportion you wish from us.


Yours,
MA.

9 GREAT LESSONS FROM LIFE.

Today, I’m sharing my biggest life lessons in the hope that you find something that speaks to you.

1. Your relationship with yourself is key – no man, sex, drugs, or amount of money can ever fill your true void. Nothing can fill it except you. Fill yourself up with the light of true worth, and loving and loving yourself deeply. This is key. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one, as it guides you to the kind of relationships you have with others. Love yourself up!

2. Everyone will have dark or rough times. Times that make you feel like you’re in a kind of hell. The sooner you accept that life has a death aspect to it – also known as down, depressing times and/or dark times – the sooner you will be able to ride those waves with more grace and the quicker you will be able to experience peace. It will pass, and you will be fine if you ride the wave and have faith.

3. You’re never upset for the reason you think. It’s never about the guy not calling, not being accepted by others, not getting that job. It’s always deeper. Anything that triggers us means we believe we need that to feel worthy or whole. And that is just not true! We are divine and whole and worthy without any outside validation. So we must know that with or without validation, we are worthy, whole, and divine.

4. Addictive compulsive behaviours are literally the devil. They bring out the worst in you. They lead you to some very scary places. Most of us have experienced some type of compulsive behaviour, whether love addiction, sex, addiction, alcohol, drug, food, or even addiction to negative thoughts. Know that this is not you. Learn to listen to what the root of that fear and compulsive negative behaviour is based in. Learn to nurture that root level fear. For example, if you fear being alone perhaps you seek compulsive relationships or drinking to fill the void. Instead of turning to bad habits, nurture yourself and challenge yourself to be alone. Soothe yourself through that fear. And join a support group to help you through the process. Addictions are there as opportunities to deepen our love within ourselves.

All obstacles are opportunities for more transformation and deeper self-love and worth.

5. There is a deep wise voice within – the soul voice. This voice knows and will always guide you to what is the truest truth for you. Take time to connect, to tune in, and ask that voice of love and of truth, to guide you to what is true for you.

6. Earn the blessings. Don’t choose the quick fix because that never lasts. The only way to have true lasting peace is to work on what you must work on. The only way through it is through it. Have a difficult lesson in your life? Go through the pain and trust it’s there to help you not hurt you. This way you earn the blessing.

7. When you feel that anxious anxiety, sit with it. Don’t turn to booze, a one night stand with a bad guy or girl, or over eating. Don’t do anything over that anxious feeling. Sit with the feeling and feel it. It might feel awful but avoiding it will never make it better either. Learn to soothe that anxiety with love, acceptance and positive actions. The more you choose to soothe that anxiety with love the quicker you will be released of the chains of that anxiety.

8. Self love is the most important love. This bears repeating. The more you love and accept yourself, truly take the time to be you; you will know your true needs and desires. Then you know how to better love and handle others. The relationship with you is where it all starts. Love yourself up. Choose activities that affirm your love for yourself.

9. Do the best you can – then have full faith that no matter what it will be all good!

Xoxo,
MA

25 DON'T IN A RELATIONSHIP (PART 2)

So you came back for more? Dated me and noticed I left things out? You're right!

If you missed Part 1 of 25 DON'T IN A RELATIONSHIP, check it out here.

Part 2, Game On!

14. Don’t make grandiose statements like “you always...” or “you never...”

One instance of doing something you don’t like doesn’t define your partner or his behaviour throughout your relationship.  It’s easy for us to want to lump things into patterns, but when you’ve put an issue to rest, mass generalizations open up old wounds. Treat each instance as an instance unless you’re sure you want to move on or have him think you’re a dick.

15. Don’t be passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive.

Adult communication requires an adult dose of introspection. Know how you feel and why you’re reacting. Sound like a pipe dream? It may not be easy in the moment, but the more you practice, the better it gets. Meditation is great for connecting you to your deeper self which is where most of our reactions come from. For example, ever notice how your partner does something small and you go from 0-60 in 3 seconds flat?

News flash: It isn’t about him being late AGAIN.
It’s about his action rubbing up against an old wound you have of not feeling respected or a story you’ve told yourself since childhood that you may be abandoned. Whatever it is, know what's your shit and what's your partner’s shit.

16. Don’t stop teaching your partner how to treat you.

You are responsible for your boundaries. This is huge: We teach people how to treat us. If your partner doesn't open the car door for you, it’s because you haven’t told him it’s important to you. When he is late and it secretly drives you nuts, it’s your job to teach him that won't fly.  Within those first few months of the relationship, your partner learns your boundaries. You can’t expect someone to observe the boundaries you don’t set.

It’s your job to remember your higher self, your needs, and communicate them appropriately.


17. Have your own life and don’t give it up as soon as you have a relationship.

You need space and you need to pursue a life outside your partner. He signed on for a partner, not a groupie.

18. Don’t guilt trip your partner for needing his own life.

Yup, the same is true for him. You have a life, so why shouldn’t he? Don't take it personally. It isn't about him not loving you.  It’s about him taking care of his needs, working on himself, and continuing to grow. Bonus: Let him miss you, it also leads to foot rubs.

19. Don’t use the relationship as an excuse not to grow.

Before dating, you had a ton of hobbies, an active social life and a self-care routine that would make a nollywood starlet jealous. So what happened? You got “comfortable.” Or maybe you started defining yourself through the relationship. Either way, you’ve lost touch with your authentic self. We are meant to evolve.  We are meant to grow.  When the relationship gets in the way of that, it’s time to re-evaluate your situation.

20. Don’t think sarcasm is a form of communication.

The latin scholar in me implores you to remember that the etymology of the word sarcasm is sarcasmos or “tearing of the flesh.” Not healthy.

21. Don’t think you’re smarter than him, even when you are.

When you are waiting for him to shut up so you can start talking again, that’s a sign that you don’t respect what he has to say. Everyone has something to offer, even the ones who aren’t as smart.

22. Don’t dominate conversations with your story and then ask him how his day was as an afterthought.

Communication is a two-way street. Many people, guys especially, need to know they have the space to communicate and share their feelings. You can’t complain that your partner doesn’t know how to communicate when you never give him the space to do so.

23. Don’t demand that he tells you what he’s thinking.

You’re not being a great communicator when you know something is wrong and you harass him into telling you. Allow him the space to process and the space to communicate. When you pester a guy into a confession, you'll usually get a war.

24. Don't call bottom.

You know what you like and you tend to have a certain routine, but it won't be long until you over play that sexual song and wind up in a rut with nothing interesting on your playlist.

25. Know yourself. Always.

Don’t lose sight of who you truly are.  You aren’t doing yourself or the relationship any favours when you don’t take the time to ground yourself. Ever notice how when a relationship ends you may have said “who have I become?” Make a meditation date with yourself every day. Staying centred becomes even more important when you’re with someone. You’ll be happier, the relationship will be stronger, and the sex will be better.

The Takeaway: All sparky advice aside, your primary relationship is the one you have with yourself. When you approach a relationship from a place of self-love, things will naturally unfold the way they are meant to.


Relationship success,
MA.