FEAR IS DEATH.

What one usually fears, at the root level, is a kind of death. We fear a death of a part of ourselves, the death of a job, the death of a move, and the list goes on. When we think of certain big transitional periods in our lives, we often experience a lot of change. Change invokes the lady of death, the ending of something. For example, a change usually requires some letting go of old thoughts, behaviors, people, situations, and ways of being to experience the new.The truth is that we won’t actually die, but somewhere within our psyche, we feel as though we are LITERALLY going to die. Once we get past that initial fear and insert a healthy comforting tool, we can move towards the new. We must, in turn, accept what we most fear.

Healthy Comforting Tools to Use to Accept What You Most Fear

1. Repeat to yourself. “I am experiencing some discomfort, some anxiety. I feel it in my body. I will not react to it. Instead, I will sit with it and breathe into it. I will accept it.”

2. Take a deep full breath in through your nose, making sure your belly expands on the inhale, and out through your mouth, and the belly contracts.

3. Listen to a nice mantra. I love Jai Jagdeesh “Ek Ong Kar“ on YouTube.

4. Do something positive for yourself or someone you love to distract yourself from believing or acting on the “fear of death,” so to speak. For example: do something important on your to do list, do ten jumping jacks, call someone you’ve been meaning to, like your grandparents or your accountant.

5. Ask your higher self for guidance. Instead of reacting to the fear, sit with it, close your eyes and ask your higher self for guidance and then listen to what she says.

6. Reach out for support from a trained therapist or spiritual guide.Know that once you ride through that initial fear of the unknown or fear of “death,” the new will be there and it will be okay. You will survive. You will even thrive.

Trust that, no matter what, within you lies the ability to get through anything. Trust yourself.@CosmicChristine (Click to Tweet!)

With every death, there is a birth. That is the part we often forget. We believe that a death is just a death. Well, a death is never just a death. It is always the birthing of a new beginning.

What in your life have you been fearing that is dying? Your youth? Your independence? A relationship? A job?

And what is the possible new birthing that will come of that same situation?Post in the comments below! I’m excited to read them all. And cheers to many deaths and many births!

With love.

BEHAVIORS THAT AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

One thing that I have firmly come to believe is that a critical component to our success and happiness is the health of our relationships—not just intimate relationships but all the different types of relationships in our lives.
Think about it for a moment: When you are in conflict with a significant other, friend, parent, sister, co-worker, etc., doesn’t it consume a majority of your energy and mental clarity? Doesn’t it siphon a ton of energy and enthusiasm out of your day?
How often do you find yourself in these types of conflicts? I hope seldom, but sadly, as someone who consistently works with people to reach their greatest human potential, I have discovered that most people are in constant conflict with others and especially with themselves.
Exploring this topic is a book in and of itself, but I am going to keep this article simple and hopefully create a heightened awareness of behaviors that break down relationships, so then we can begin to rebuild our perception of what healthy relationships are and how they are achieved. Once they are achieved, we can thrive on a whole different level, with greater success and happiness in all aspects of life.

1. Complacency is the first saboteur I would like to explore.

Think back to the days when you first started dating someone or discovered a new friend you really enjoyed spending time with. Now think about all the effort you would make to engage in that relationship, the amount of time you would invest, the thoughtful little gestures you would do, essentially in the hopes to “win that person over” as a loyal addition to your life.
Or think about a time when you started a new job, and you thought to yourself, “This is such a great job! I love my boss and all of my co-workers.” And everyday for months, you showed up as the best version of yourself and everything was amazing.
These are primary examples of how most relationships begin, and then, complacency sets in. We become comfortable in the dynamics of those relationships.
Let me note: comfortable is a good thing, when it doesn’t lead to complacency.
Complacency is when you stop doing and/or being the person you were when you got into those relationships. That, my friends, is false advertisement. We have all done it, but I think it’s time we stop if we want to create better standards for ourselves and the health and happiness of our relationships. I find a good activator for empathy to learn in these types of situations is the good old role reversal scenario.
For example, if you started dating someone and they would always bring you flowers, which you loved, and then after they got comfortable in the relationship, they hardly ever brought flowers, you would probably get upset, right? Instead of feeling more significant as time went on in the relationship, you would probably begin to feel less significant, correct?
An interesting thought I suggest everyone ponder:
Why is it that, as we begin new relationships, we often do more or go out of our way more for people we barely know than we often do for people who are supposed to be a significant part of our lives?
I would like to challenge you to reflect on that thought and apply it to all the relationships in your life, and be honest with your contribution in complacency and commit to getting back to the “bringing flowers” mindset (metaphorically speaking, of course). Because relationships are a two-way street.
Also, reflect on how you respond when people go out of their way for you and do thoughtful things, big and small. Are you grateful? Do you openly express gratitude, show appreciation, and inspire that person to want to do more? Expressing appreciation and gratitude through actions and words is the primary way to keep from falling into the complacency trap.

2. Expectations of others

I believe the thing that causes us the most self-inflicted pain in relationships is our expectations of others. This concept took a long time for me to formalize and articulate, but once I did, it honestly set me free. Free of needless pain, stress, anxiety, and unwanted drains in my energy.
What exactly do I mean by this?

Stop expecting others to be what YOU want them to be and accept them for who they are.
@jengroover (Click to Tweet!)

I can hear egos flaring right now, but the truth is that most relationships fail because we go into them expecting others to be who we want them to be, respond the way we want them to respond, and give love the way we want to be loved, but in reality, that is impossible and, quiet honestly, unfair to the other person because that person did not share the same life experiences as you; therefore, it is impossible for them to have the exact same perspectives as you.
I think when people have a lot in common and share similar value systems, we trick ourselves into thinking the other person must think exactly the same way, and that is not realistic. Think about siblings. How many siblings do you know who are polar opposites? Lots I am sure! Siblings usually have very similar upbringings yet can see the world and function in it in totally different ways. So if that’s true, then what on earth would make you think someone who grew up in a different family or different part of the world should behave the way you would expect them? I am guilty of this, too. We all are. But once I learned how ridiculous this train of thought is, it helped increase the intimacy and compassion in all of my relationships and, more importantly, helped me teach others how to set themselves free of these relationship prisons they had created.
I will share with you an example that resonates with most people to get this concept.
A girlfriend of mine was going through a period of her life where she felt lost, and the more lost she felt, the more chronic illnesses and injuries were showing up in her life and the more miserable she became and the more difficult she was to be around. I witnessed this whole time period from beginning to end. I knew the trigger moment of this time period and pointed it out to her many times, but she didn’t want to hear it. She would ask for advice all the time, and I would give it to her, over and over and over again. The rest of the friends she was going to for advice allowed her to wallow and complain, point fingers at others for her unhappiness, and would happily participate in the complaint sessions. I live in the “drama-free zone” where I won’t participate in this behavior, so eventually I removed myself from it. Once she realized I wasn’t around anymore, she got mad at me. Very mad at me.
One night, she texted me asking for suggestions for books she should read to help guide her out of this bad place. I responded with the names of three books and a link to a mediation I thought would be good for her. A few days later, she asked me to meet her for dinner. I did.
Before she was even in her seat, she was telling me that I was the worst friend ever. She laid into me that she had texted that she was in a bad place and I didn’t respond. I said, “Not only did I respond, but I responded with the names of three books and more.” She said, “Any good friend would know to pick up the phone in that moment and call their friend!” I said, “I absolutely would not know that because, when I ask for something, I ask for what I want not for someone to read between the lines.”
How many of us have been on either side of a situation like this? Probably all of us. Before I go any further, I want to point out the projections and expectations here that are not healthy relationship behaviors.
First, she was asking me to read between her lines. She asked for one thing but EXPECTED me to read her mind and give her something else. That is unfair and manipulation of the other person.
Second, she EXPECTED that any good friend would know to call, even though she texted for a specific request. The reality was she grew up in a family/household where that was the taught behavior. Her family life was very calm, easy, loving, and supportive. I was not raised in that type of environment, and, ironically, she was reaching out to me for advice because I have different survival and coping skills. So essentially, she wanted me to think like her AND think like me. Have you ever done that to someone before?
Instead of becoming defensive for her attack, I calmly said, “I see you are in pain, and I am sorry you feel that way, but your pain has nothing to do with me, and you can project all your blame and anger on me, but that will never help you get out of the pain you are in. The truth is that your issues are yours and have nothing to do with me, and they begin with exactly the issue that was just exemplified—your expectations [and blame] of others is causing you even more pain than you are already in, and it’s getting you further from the truth of what’s really going on.”
That moment (in an abbreviated story) set her on a path to healing because I made her realize her expectations of others was her own self-inflicted pain. She “woke-up” that day, and a year later, she is a happier person with healthier, happier relationships. Notice that expectations of others is usually about expecting others to make you feel a certain way or give to you in a certain way when only we can do that for ourselves by being whole and happy within?

The bottom line is: We must appreciate people for who they are, have compassion for where they came from, and celebrate their positive attributes.

I do not believe we can change people, but I KNOW we can inspire people to awaken to see different perspectives. We can also encourage growth in others’ emotional intelligence, and we can challenge people to want more or different for their lives. However, we cannot achieve this through attacking someone else, being mad at them or judging them, or being hurt by the fact that they aren’t being what we expect. We can have a positive impact by being a model of positive behaviors and by creating loving and supportive environments even when we don’t agree with the choices the other person is making.

3. Defensive behavior

Defensiveness includes things like blaming others, always having to be right, and shutting down and emotionally withdrawing to punish the other person. This is probably the biggest offender in ruining relationships and the hardest one for people to change.
There is a famous Buddhist saying, “Would you rather be right or happy?”
It took me awhile to figure out exactly what this meant and how I could quiet down my ego enough to make this a choice in many circumstances. Once I did, it was so profound. I realized the secret to a happy life is happy relationships with depth, trust, and love. Mastering the art of empowered communication became way more important to me than “being right.”
When someone is mad at us, it’s because of “something we did to them.” Most often, we instantly become defensive—defending our position in our choices and behavior. Once this happens, a dance of defensiveness begins between two people where blaming sets in and then someone withdraws and emotionally shuts down to the other person. This withdrawing behavior is an emotional defense to remove ourselves from the situation, but more often than not, people take it a step further and withdraw as a way to punish the other person. They will withdraw love and affection and other typical behaviors to prove their unhappiness with the other person.
What most people don’t realize is these are not behaviors to get what you ideally want. Whichever side of the situation you are on, ultimately, people get mad at others because they want to be treated “better.”
Remember, “better” is relative to your own perspective; however, “better” usually means more attention, more affection, more appreciation, more consideration, etc., so when you are on the receiving end of someone being mad at you, keep this in mind.
When the other person expresses their anger and/or disappointment with you and you respond with defensiveness, you just create a bigger wall between you each and every time a situation comes up. Remember, defensiveness is like a sledgehammer on the foundation of relationships, fractionalizing trust and intimacy every single time it is used (which is typically the opposite of what either person really wants).
So what do you do when someone is “attacking” you because they are mad?
First, acknowledge that this is their cry to be treated better (as we talked about earlier, that is their expectation).
Second, take a deep breath and get calm before you reply so that you do not respond in a defensive manner. This definitely takes practice because most of us have been conditioned otherwise, but trust me when I tell you, once you master this, your relationships will be so much more rewarding and fulfilling.
Third, say something like, “I am sorry you feel that way, and that wasn’t my intention. Obviously, there is a deeper issue here that needs to be addressed, and you don’t feel I am doing [fill in the blank].” This type of approach begins to diffuse the defensiveness on both sides and can better open an opportunity for empowered communication to occur, and instead of fractionalizing trust and intimacy between two people, you will actually learn these moments can bring two people closer together (like in my example above with my friend) and increase trust and intimacy in all of your relationships.
If you feel like the one who’s been hurt, before you attack, blame, withdraw, etc., go through a series of questions in your mind.
What am I really mad at here?
What is the underlying issue?
Is this a trigger from pain I have had in the past that I am projecting on this person?
How can I express this disappointment in a way that’s effective?
As I mentioned: Ultimately, people are mad at each other because they aren’t getting what they desire from the other person or situation, but if you attack another person, you usually get the opposite of what you want and push that other person away.

Instead of being mad at someone, choose to communicate with them.

Interesting concept, right? Communicate to them how you feel without making it their fault. When you do this, people are more open to listen and take responsibility for their actions and want to compromise and understand where you are coming from. This type of communication brings people closer together and builds a greater sense of trust and openness.
Begin journaling around the relationships in your life. Evaluate the health of them and reflect as to how you can contribute more and add more value to them on a daily basis by eliminating these behaviors and committing to mastering the art of empowered communication.
It is important to note that some relationships are not repairable and are toxic—these are not the relationships I am asking you to exert more effort. As a matter of fact, these are the types of relationships that are often best to let go of so you can make space for more productive, fulfilling relationships.
The health of your relationships are the foundation to your success in every aspect of life, so make nourishing them a priority.


Thanks for reading and be sure to pass this to your friends.

Hope to hear from you about what you are passing through in your relationship life.

Your friend,
MA.

CONTEXT OF EVOLUTIONARY RELATIONSHIPS.

As you walk a spiritual path, do you ever struggle in relationships with those who are not in the same place in their personal/spiritual evolution as you might be? In his online program Integral Enlightenment, spiritual teacher Craig Hamilton breaks relationships into three categories:

1. Those who have no interest in your personal/spiritual evolution or their own
2. Those who are curious and interested in personal/spiritual evolution but who aren’t as committed as you to the spiritual path
3. Those who are totally committed to doing their own work and growing with you in an active partnership (what he calls “evolutionary relationships”)

Evolutionary Relationships

So what is an “evolutionary relationship?” Craig teaches that an evolutionary relationship need not be about romance or sex at all. In fact, that dimension can often complicate things. He says many of us have a sense that there’s a potential for an extraordinary type of human relationship, marked by an unprecedented level of intimacy, vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency—essentially being with each other without any boundaries or barriers, being together truly beyond ego. Many have sensed the potential to be in a relationship that’s always moving, not getting stuck in old patterns, but always vital, dynamic, and thriving, resisting the urge to rest on familiar, known ground.
You may have tasted this kind of dynamic in a relationship, but it’s challenging to stay on this edge, to keep moving forward without sliding into destructive patterns, which might leave you thinking this kind of relationship isn’t possible. Very few relationships will ever evolve to the third level. How will you know the people willing to go there with you? And what would a relationship like this be like?
Craig teaches us how to be proactive about cultivating such relationships. To do this requires essentially establishing a sacred contract, setting up what he calls “an evolutionary partnership,” which can be governed by the following radical principles.

Principles of an Evolutionary Partnership

1. The very context and organizing principle of the relationship is conscious evolution beyond ego.
This is the very purpose of why we’re in the relationship. Instead of organizing around comfort, survival, mutual benefit, comfort, and connection, in this kind of relationship, we explicitly commit to coming together for a higher purpose. That’s the “why” of the whole thing. We have a shared agreement for why we’re here. Instead of colluding together to protect and preserve the status quo of the relationship, we’re willing to put the relationship at risk, to constantly challenge the relationship as a way to evolve spiritually together, as a way to avoid falling into stuck, habitual patterns that lead the relationship to go to sleep.

2. We agree to be mutually accountable to something higher than ourselves.
In most conventional relationships, we’re attempting to negotiate between two people’s individual needs and desires. The personal self is the only context we have, so the relationship is the result of two isolated personal selves with their own unique agendas attempting to negotiate so they can be in relationship together without too much conflict. Typically, we ask, “What do YOU want to do? What do I want to do? What are we both willing to give up so we can meet in the middle?” But in an evolutionary relationship, our #1 priority is aligning with Divine will rather than focusing exclusively on our own personal desires or the desires of the person we’re in partnership with. When a conflict comes up, we’re interested not just in both personal points of view but in what’s the right thing to do from the highest perspective, in service to the highest good of all beings. It’s about not caring so much what you get out of the relationship or what the other person gets out of it. It’s more about a mutual seeking of truth, of what’s right and whole and aligned. We ask, instead, “What’s the right thing to do to the best that we can discern it?” This way, there is no fundamental conflict. You both want the same thing—the highest good—rather than focusing on personal desires. You’ll always find your way through when you’re genuinely prioritizing this outcome. There is no “winner” or “loser” because the highest good always wins, and you both want that.

3. We recognize that we have an ego, that we’re prone to error.
Because we acknowledge that we both have egos, we know that we are prone to misinterpretation of circumstances. I defined ego here, according to Craig’s definition, so don’t be misled by a term that often gets misused. When we both acknowledge our own egos and our potential for error, we come together with the commitment to try to see clearly, beyond the ego. This means we’re willing to call each other on unhealthy patterns and try to break those patterns. It’s an exercise in mutual humility, acknowledging that we aren’t going to do it right, that our egos are going to screw us up, but that we’re mutually committed to trying to uncover what is true, in spite of being prone to error. This way, there’s no compulsion to defend your point of view. You’re both committed to seeing what is true. It’s a radical act to be willing to stop defending your motives whenever you are challenged. Because we both have egos, we must recognize that we’re prone to distortions and be willing to acknowledge that with humility.

4. Despite the fact that we have egos and are prone to error, we want to be accountable to our potentials, to our highest and best selves.
This means that even though both parties know we are prone to errors in judgment and distortion, we’re not using that as an excuse at all. We are acknowledging that we always have a choice in the matter. Our egoic limitations are not an excuse for not showing up fully. We acknowledge that we have a right to expect this from each other, even though we have egos and tendencies for error. This only works with two people who are really committed to showing up in this way, wanting to be accountable and be held accountable. It’s not about always getting it right. We’re going to screw up. It’s not about beating each other up for our tendency to be prone to error. It’s about committing to operating at a risk-taking edge, which requires a lot of trust and commitment to mutual accountability.

5. The context for our engagement together is about leaning into our evolutionary edges, where we’re growing and evolving, sharing a mutual interest in our evolving edges.
Rather than meeting in our limitations, fears, and doubts, colluding in how we’re failing to show up to our highest potential, complaining about what doesn’t work, we take a stand for meeting in service to our highest potentials. Some relationships are based on sharing everything that’s wrong or not working or where we’re struggling or fearful. This fifth principle is about making that off limits—not that there’s no place to talk about your limitations but that the relationship is meant to lift up what’s possible rather than to devolve into a shared bitchfest that drags both parties down. The context for the engagement, therefore, is from a place of desiring to manifest our highest potential, taking a stand for one another’s higher potential, reaching for what’s possible, sharing what comes up as we awaken. It’s a positive, uplifting context for engagement, but a challenging one, because it’s a stretch and requires moving out of habitual patterns that tend to plague a lot of spiritually-minded or psychologically-minded relationships.

6. We agree to be mirrors for one another.
Rather than merely affirming each other’s self image, as most relationships operate, we agree to reflect to the other person things about who they are that might be outside of their awareness. We tend to see others more clearly than we see ourselves. As evolutionary partners, we agree to lovingly and gently, without judgment, point out blind spots in each other to help illuminate what we might not be seeing clearly in ourselves. This includes mirroring back not only negative traits—things that need to evolve—but also positive things that we may not see within ourselves. This includes mirroring back how we’re growing and where we’re making progress. We cannot only help undo negative patterns; we can also mirror back the uplifting things we may not see in ourselves. This means being willing to challenge each other’s assumptions, really striving to help each other see ourselves more clearly.

7. We aspire to set an example for one another.
We are not perfect. We are not going to always get it right. But we are aspiring to model what it means to have an evolutionary and enlightened relationship to life, stretching vulnerably into the unknown. We aspire to uplift each other through our own examples. This means radical transparency. In many close relationships, you devolve when you get comfortable. You let that person see your worst self. But in these relationships, we aspire to be our best selves, not our worst self with each other.

Are You Involved in Any Evolutionary Relationships?
What have you learned from engaging with another person in this way? What challenges have you faced? What triumphs have you experienced? Share your wisdom and stories in the comments.